Saturday, 27 August 2011

The Oxymorons of My Life

I find life boring. I find life interesting. I love my life. I hate my life.

I'm constantly going through these contradictions, sometimes I'll feel both happy and unhappy at the same time. I realize it depends on the situation I am in, and all that...but on a whole, I am bored.

I know (hope) that there is something better out there for me. Something worth living for. But, right now, I am only surviving. Not living.

Living would mean that I have a goal in mind, a dream I want to acheive. That I have my own purpose in life. Right now, my only goal is getting into the Science department of a university and going to heaven. Both goals aren't my own. They are necessary, I need them to survive in this life (and the afterlife).

For a while I thought that my goal, my dream was writing. I wanted to write. To let the world read all my thoughts and statements! ... but I no longer feel the same. I still enjoy writing, that hasn't changed. I just...can't find it in myself to put all my passion and love into this art anymore. It's just become another thing I do that I'm good at. That's it.

Then there was anime and manga. For a while I thought I was passionate about this form of entertainment. That I put all those hours into it because it taught me about life, people and various social and theoretical I realize: it was just entertainment. Something to pass the time with. Enjoyable. But a waste of time.

Quite recently I came across the MBTI test, and learned about the various personality types. I was (and still am) interested in this. I have joined a forum, I've read articles, I've spent hours self evaluating myself. And from those self evaluations I know that this interest isn't going to last long either. I'll stop feeling passion about it as soon as I think that, that is all there is to it. There is nothing more to gain, or at least nothing important left to gain. Then where will I be at?

When will I finally find something that I will love? Something that will I find interesting, entertaining, thought provoking and personal? I know that no one but myself can answer these questions...but it's still nice to let it out.

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